Things Not to Do When Waiting for Test Results

If you are waiting for test results, welcome. Welcome to the place where the ground is removed from beneath your feet, and the ship is listing left, then right, but never centered. It's the place I'm in now, waiting. Waiting to hear what I know already is not good news. It's just a matter of one side, which is not-so-bad, to the other, which is The Worst. Hard not to get seasick, hard not to crash. 

But I've learned a few things on this awful road. A few things not to do, now that I've been through it once already. This is by no means a definitive list, and take it with a grain of salt. I'm a big fan of the "Whatever works best for you" school of thinking, yet I hope some of these are helpful. They come from my own experience, and the fact that I've screwed up on every single one. Badly. 

So here it is, the not-so-definitive and only partially complete list. Please feel free to add your own! 

If you are waiting for test results, do not:

1 1. Google. I know, the temptation lurks but trust me: Google is not your friend. I don’t know what is wrong with their cancer search algorithm, but there seems to be some programmed result that always takes you to The Worst Possible Prognosis, or Death. They don’t tell you about clinical trials or new research, or long-term survivors. It will not give you hope. The lesson? You and your disease are not an internet search. It will only make you feel bad. Don’t do it.

    2. Tell everybody. I learned this the hard way. After my first diagnosis, I called and told everyone. Pretty much right away. I was in shock, terrified, flailing desperately for a nonexistent emotional lifeboat. My unregulated emotional state created havoc on my family and friends although, bless them, bless us all, we have all forgiven each other. This time, after the initial news from the recurrence, I was in shock and wanted to call and cry and scream and tell…..but I didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t. As much as this diagnosis and the process impacts you, it impacts others, too. If you are on a work team, it impacts morale. It impacts your friends, your family. Also? If you’re still waiting for test results, the truth is that you don’t know enough yet. So:  Be judicious in who you tell, and why, and make sure they sit on your side of the bleachers. In the coming days, you’ll need them.

   3. Retreat too much. As an introvert, I understand the need to curl up and withdraw from this world. Dear God do I get that. And yet and yet ---- it helps to keep a foot out the door, one coffee date, one needed time to phone a friend. Also: people want to help, people want to feel needed. So, while you/we/I sit on the boat without a bottom called Waiting, it can help to keep connected. But  take this with a grain of salt, too. Weep and stay home if you need to. There’s no one way to grieve.

Bottom line is, if you have been given a recurrence diagnosis, I offer sincerest and heartfelt empathy. Because guess what? It’s baaaaaccckk… and that’s a whole new round of what-to-dos, isn’t it? Terror again, fear again, and the knowledge that the first round didn’t knock it out. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.

You are not alone.