For three years now, it's happened near Easter.
The first year it was three days before. The initial diagnosis. The shock.
Year 2 was treatment recovery.
Now, year 3, more April news: a shadow. A mass near my rib. A Biblical vengeance, 5 cm worth. The size of an unborn baby's fist.
Something unnatural has arrived again in my body. Just when I was beginning to trust again in the world, turn back to my career, turn to saving and paying off some debt, turning to see my kid start high school --- this. Now this.
Everything has stopped. I am stopped. My thinking has stopped, my emotions, summer and vacation plans -- stopped. And I haven't told my family yet, haven't yet told my kid.
I am on hold until the biopsy. The biopsy will be difficult, it's in a difficult spot. Possibly inoperable. And until it's gone it's growing, growing, growing.
I am stopped but this thing -- I shall not yet name it -- is alive.
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